First post here, I've been a reader of AoM for awhile, and it's helped my life exponentially. Due to the depth and truth I find all over this site, I immediately hold the men who follow and contribute to Art of Manliness in high regard. I was hoping some of you folks could share some advice for the heart-break process, and feel free to share similar experiences, to know I'm not alone.
I was in the most perfect relationship for 3 years, we took each others V-cards and became each others' best friends, confidants and lovers. We became so close that our families had a relationship too, where my family treated her like family, and vice versa. It was awesome, I couldn't believe the young, beautiful lady I loved, loved ME! I could write pages on the good times we shared, but that's not why I'm writing this.
Basically, it ended when she moved away to college. Fair enough, right? we were far apart, and everyone is so eager to experience the "college life" that society swears is worth it. She went through a complete transformation from the shy, tender and loving girl to the drunk, care-free, college artist. She fucked some random jock, TOLD me about it, and thought it was okay. She even encouraged me to do the same so "we know what it's like to be with other people, and were sure were good for each other." or some shit like that. I didn't buy it, so I broke up with her. We talked and talked and finally ended communication. It's been around 12 weeks and I think about her every single day. Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a few, private tears.
I play music, and I was writing a song for her for a very long time. I finally finished it, and I was going to send it to her, along with a sincere letter thanking her for the good times we spent, for all the support she gave me, and asking for forgiveness for all the past wrongs I did her. Basically, an end-all-be-all letter of summary, saying goodbye and thank you, and leaving her with a piece of music that I poured my heart and soul into. I would express everything honorably, and I feel it'd give me closure.
Solutions: I've been making lots of life changes because of how intense the experience of losing her was to me. I wake up at 5:30am daily and swim/lift everyday before work or class. I read, and I've taken up Art of Manliness' 31-day journal challenge. I started lots of small habits of good hygiene, random acts of kindness, dropping old habits and addictions, and doing a life makeover. All of it helps, I feel like I'm slowly growing in to a man of integrity and discipline, but I'm still haunted by thoughts of her, and regrets and doubts of the relationship.
Question: So men, my questions are: Should I send that song/letter? I don't know where she is at emotionally or mentally, so would it even impact her? Is that selfish of me? I miss (the old) her so bad, what the fuck do I do? What makes the heart-break go away? I feel the need to 1UP her, financially and success-wise, why? From what I can tell she's doing better with out me, does she even miss me? How do I get over her?
I know I sound like a whiny little bitch about this, but I'd rather dump this on the internet than further bug my friends and family. People seem to belittle it, saying I'm young, inexperienced and naive. True, but this was real, everything I've stated is my truth. Even if I don't get a single reply, It's helped a lot to be able to vent it.
Thanks so much for taking time to read and reply, any responses or advice will be greatly appreciated.
"Question: So men, my questions are: Should I send that song/letter?"
IMO, that's needlessly extending the drama. You're probably looking for catharsis but you'll probably always be stuck wondering if she received it, what was her reaction, will she reply, why hasn't she replied, even if she thought it was stupid the least she could do after everything we've been through is at least have the courtesy acknowledge the effort I went to by replying, what the fuck is wrong with her, I should give her a piece of my mind, oh wait . . . she had replied and I missed her message, now I should probably apologize for that angry text I sent her when I got drunk and cried about why she didn't reply, should I send her a text, an email, a letter, write her a new song . . .
Just skip that altogether. She fucked another guy. She told you to fuck other women. It's over. Don't needlessly extend your suffering. Off like a bandaid in one quick yank! Concentrate on continuing the positive changes in the new chapter of your life rather than needlessly extending the previous painful chapter.
I agree with this as well.
I added a reply to this without reading your update on progress. Your story literally described mine almost to a t.
That's awesome to hear that by following everyone's advice here, you are now doing well for yourself. Trust me, success is the best revenge like Nate said!
Keep at it man!