First post here, I've been a reader of AoM for awhile, and it's helped my life exponentially. Due to the depth and truth I find all over this site, I immediately hold the men who follow and contribute to Art of Manliness in high regard. I was hoping some of you folks could share some advice for the heart-break process, and feel free to share similar experiences, to know I'm not alone.
I was in the most perfect relationship for 3 years, we took each others V-cards and became each others' best friends, confidants and lovers. We became so close that our families had a relationship too, where my family treated her like family, and vice versa. It was awesome, I couldn't believe the young, beautiful lady I loved, loved ME! I could write pages on the good times we shared, but that's not why I'm writing this.
Basically, it ended when she moved away to college. Fair enough, right? we were far apart, and everyone is so eager to experience the "college life" that society swears is worth it. She went through a complete transformation from the shy, tender and loving girl to the drunk, care-free, college artist. She fucked some random jock, TOLD me about it, and thought it was okay. She even encouraged me to do the same so "we know what it's like to be with other people, and were sure were good for each other." or some shit like that. I didn't buy it, so I broke up with her. We talked and talked and finally ended communication. It's been around 12 weeks and I think about her every single day. Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a few, private tears.
I play music, and I was writing a song for her for a very long time. I finally finished it, and I was going to send it to her, along with a sincere letter thanking her for the good times we spent, for all the support she gave me, and asking for forgiveness for all the past wrongs I did her. Basically, an end-all-be-all letter of summary, saying goodbye and thank you, and leaving her with a piece of music that I poured my heart and soul into. I would express everything honorably, and I feel it'd give me closure.
Solutions: I've been making lots of life changes because of how intense the experience of losing her was to me. I wake up at 5:30am daily and swim/lift everyday before work or class. I read, and I've taken up Art of Manliness' 31-day journal challenge. I started lots of small habits of good hygiene, random acts of kindness, dropping old habits and addictions, and doing a life makeover. All of it helps, I feel like I'm slowly growing in to a man of integrity and discipline, but I'm still haunted by thoughts of her, and regrets and doubts of the relationship.
Question: So men, my questions are: Should I send that song/letter? I don't know where she is at emotionally or mentally, so would it even impact her? Is that selfish of me? I miss (the old) her so bad, what the fuck do I do? What makes the heart-break go away? I feel the need to 1UP her, financially and success-wise, why? From what I can tell she's doing better with out me, does she even miss me? How do I get over her?
I know I sound like a whiny little bitch about this, but I'd rather dump this on the internet than further bug my friends and family. People seem to belittle it, saying I'm young, inexperienced and naive. True, but this was real, everything I've stated is my truth. Even if I don't get a single reply, It's helped a lot to be able to vent it.
Thanks so much for taking time to read and reply, any responses or advice will be greatly appreciated.
Update: Hey everyone, just checked out this post, and re-read all the kickass advice you gentlemen offered, just wanted to thanks again. Also, I wanted to let you guys know where I'm at, incase anyone's curious.
I never sent it to her.
I started training twice a week at a MMA gym as my "new hobby" as suggested. To be honest, I've never felt so manly. It's true, I just let some time pass and stuck to a routine and I feel I'm finally me again.
Bragging rights activated! my progress is no joke after being down a few months ago, again, the advice you guys volunteered went much further than you know :)
I'm about to end my college semester with A's across the board and I joined honors/academic leader programs, add in a couple piano gigs, and a kickass summer job and we got a happy dude. I'm at my personal record for fitness, and I'm reading alot. "Readers are leaders" seems legit.
Only problem, my social life is a straight up joke, and I haven't gotten laid in forever. BUT, I feel like my daily grind will pay off in time, so I'm not freaking out... yet.
gonna say it once more...THANK YOU! This forum was so helpful in helping me through that shitty time.
Good job! Way to recover and make yourself stronger as a man.
Thanks for the update - not sure I've ever seen anyone do that, and it's nice to know how it played out.
R/E getting laid - you're gonna have tons of sex in your life, so while it's easier said than done try your best to not care at all that your not having sex. You won't forget how, and what's more the less you care about it the more women are attracted to you. Just keep on the self improvement track, sock money away, and do what makes you happy!
Thank you John, your advice was/is gold. I'm glad I could make it resolve well
Lurker here. I read this post when it came out in February and was shocked by some of the ways it paralleled my own recent experiences. Hearing that you've brought things around and are happy with them makes me happy, too.
"I started training twice a week at a MMA gym as my "new hobby" as suggested. To be honest, I've never felt so manly. It's true, I just let some time pass and stuck to a routine and I feel I'm finally me again. "
What's your gym? Does it have any interesting affiliations? What's its MMA program based on?
Its made up mostly from jui-jitsu, boxing, wrestling and some muy thai training, It's pretty competitive but I use it more as a workout :)
"Question: So men, my questions are: Should I send that song/letter?"
IMO, that's needlessly extending the drama. You're probably looking for catharsis but you'll probably always be stuck wondering if she received it, what was her reaction, will she reply, why hasn't she replied, even if she thought it was stupid the least she could do after everything we've been through is at least have the courtesy acknowledge the effort I went to by replying, what the fuck is wrong with her, I should give her a piece of my mind, oh wait . . . she had replied and I missed her message, now I should probably apologize for that angry text I sent her when I got drunk and cried about why she didn't reply, should I send her a text, an email, a letter, write her a new song . . .
Just skip that altogether. She fucked another guy. She told you to fuck other women. It's over. Don't needlessly extend your suffering. Off like a bandaid in one quick yank! Concentrate on continuing the positive changes in the new chapter of your life rather than needlessly extending the previous painful chapter.
I agree with this as well.
I added a reply to this without reading your update on progress. Your story literally described mine almost to a t.
That's awesome to hear that by following everyone's advice here, you are now doing well for yourself. Trust me, success is the best revenge like Nate said!
Keep at it man!