Dear husbands,

I am struggling with a decision to make and I thought maybe if you could share your experience that might be helpful. Here's the story:

I am 33 years old and I am thinking of starting dating and then maybe marrying a girl I know. We like each other and there is a good intellectual and spiritual connection between us. However, I have a "physical" dilemma. As I decided to wait with having sex till marriage (and so far managed to), I am very excited by the fact that when I marry, I could finally start my sexual life and I am really looking forward to the pleasures it offers. Though I sticked to Christian life since my childhood, having grown up in a world that made sexual activity a god, I kind of soaked up with all this sexual hype. And thus I have really big expectations, perhaps too big... So here's my dilemma: the girl I mentioned is 34 years old. While I find her physically attractive now, I wonder if this will still be true in 5 years, because of aging of her body. Men are known to stay sexually fit at least till their 50-60's and so I am afraid that after a few years I would not find her physically attractive and it will be difficult for me to have sex with her. I am just worrying, that I end up as a frustrated husband which wouldn’t be good for her and for me.


I know all this may seem funny for you, but for me it's important, before I make a decision to start serious dating. Otherwise maybe I'll just look for a younger wife...

I would appreciate honest replies.
Thank you.

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"the girl I mentioned is 34 years old. While I find her physically attractive now, I wonder if this will still be true in 5 years, because of aging of her body."

A good-looking 34-year-old woman will, in 5 years, almost certainly be a good-looking 39-year-old woman. 

"Men are known to stay sexually fit at least till their 50-60's and so I am afraid that after a few years I would not find her physically attractive and it will be difficult for me to have sex with her."

You're right that men can remain sexually fit well into their 60s but that doesn't mean that they remain sexually attractive to women at that age. In other words, regardless of your sexual ability and desire at that age, it's possible that it might be difficult for your wife, or any other woman, to have sex with you

"I know all this may seem funny for you, but for me it's important, before I make a decision to start serious dating. Otherwise maybe I'll just look for a younger wife..."

Your younger wife will eventually age too. And you'll be even older than she is. So the chances are that your looks will deteriorate sooner than hers. 

Also, to be quite frank, your reason for selecting or not selecting a wife sound very superficial. If you intend to marry for life then sex and appearance shouldn't be the main factors you consider. What's the use of a beautiful wife if she's dumb as a post and has a terrible personality? Sure, you can have sex with her (assuming she still wants to have sex with you) but then what? If you can't stand her, your personalties clash (etc.) then you'll be miserable all the time other than the times you're having sex. Even then, if you don't love her because of her negative traits then you might not even want to have sex with her either. And there's no guarantee that she'll want to have sex with you! 

So choose your mate wisely. In my opinion, it's better to marry someone whose personality you truly love than to marry a beautiful woman without considering her personality. If marriage is for life then ask yourself if you'd rather be stuck with a beautiful women you can't stand or an average-looking woman that you love being around. 

Good luck. 

A man may wish to remain sexually fit at 60 but nature isn't always so kind. Prevalence for erectile dysfunction is 40% for men at 40 and 70% for those at 70 years old. So basically, if you smoke, are fat, or have diabetes, chances are you are going to be in that group at some point.

Your paragraph on wife selection reminds me of advice passed down from my grandfather for young men who think they found "the one" because of a woman's sexual gifts. He said that when you turn them upside down they all look the same but to remember that you are going to spend 90% of the time talking to the other end so be sure you choose wisely.

http://www.clevelandclinicmeded.com/medicalpubs/diseasemanagement/e...

As far as erectile dysfunction goes, I had it and then found a wonderful solution that works great for my wife and me.  There are quite a few options, so guys with E.D. should not give up.  You can see more in my discussion "E.D." in the Health and Sports discussion forum section of AoM.  (And I can exchange private messages with anyone who is interested.)

I'll have to agree with Steve in this instance. You are blowing this up out of all proportion, and you aren't even dating yet. Of course sex has its place in a relationship, but it shouldn't ever be the primary reason for being with someone. What's more, I've also known plenty of men who aged badly and looked rode hard and put up wet well before they hit 40. I've also known women in their 50's that I'd be flattered to be seen with. How attractive a woman (or, for that matter, a man) looks at any age comes down to their lifestyle, and genetics.

Don't put the cart before the horse. Don't try to be someone you aren't. Focus on casual dating with a girl you enjoy being around, and the rest will take care of itself.

Lets also not forget that just because a woman is beautiful does not mean that she's good at sex. 

Good for you to be waiting until you're married - Much Kudos.  You're forgetting the fact that it is going to take quite a few years to get from 34 to 60.  You're going to age slowly over that time also.  If you totally devote yourself to your wife, as you should, and she totally devotes herself to you, as she should, that devotion and love will see past the imperfections you both possess (physical, mental, emotional).  Intimacy is important in marriage, but it's not the center of your marriage.  Find the right woman you plan on spending the rest of your life with and the intimacy will be something you both will enjoy as you discover it.

To answer the direct question first ... when sex is going well, it's about 10% of a marriage.  When it's going poorly, it's closer to 80%.  Especially for men.  Men tend to need sex to feel close.  Women tend to need to feel close to want sex.

Second, good for you for sticking to your principles.  I won't knock you for that.  It takes strength and character.  But, 33 is awfully old to be just now working through this stuff.  Especially for someone determined to wait until marriage.  People who delay sex until marriage don't usually wait until they're middle-aged to start thinking about getting married.  Much less starting dating.  Makes me wonder if there's a major underlying problem that you've withheld from your question.  Why wait this long?

All that being said ... your priorities are so screwed-up that ass-backward would be an improvement.

With regard to sex, you're a 33-year-old that thinks like a 19-year-old.  Men are visually stimulated -- but sex is WAY less about looks than you think.  Even for men.  You want to choose a girl you're attracted to ... but looks should not be the primary deciding factor.  Looks fade.  For everyone.  You need a girl that you want to be around even when her looks fade.  She's going to get older.  She's going to get pregnant.  She's going to look like holy hell when she rolls out of bed in the morning.  Or when she gets the flu.

If you're this concerned about getting a girl always going to look young -- you're not ready for marriage.  You're not even close.  If your marriage's stability depends on looks -- hers or yours -- you're a divorce waiting to happen.  Which another good reason this nonsense should've been worked through when you were 20 ... not when you're 33.

Also ... you're talking about marrying a specific girl that you're not even dating yet.  Does she even know?  Is this all in your imagination?  Have you spoken?  Asked her if she's interested in you?  Spent any time together?  Do you know anything about this woman other than how she looks?  Doesn't matter if she'll look like Christina Hendricks for the rest of her life if she's not into you, or attached to another man, or lesbian, or an obnoxious broad, etc.

"Cart before the horse" is an understatement.  Again, another damn good reason to have thought about all this a decade ago.  You learn what to look for in a woman by spending time with women.  You don't even know what you're looking for beyond the superficial.


Sorry, chief.  You're not ready.  You're not even close.  And, you're way behind other men your age.  It isn't about sex.  It's about your priorities.

JB

"Sorry, chief.  You're not ready.  You're not even close.  And, you're way behind other men your age.  It isn't about sex.  It's about your priorities."

Agreed. 

I think we should cut him some slack. His priorities seem out of whack because he has never had sex.  Remember how much you thought about sex as a teenager and early twenties?

Lots of good advice here though.  Good sex is a product of a good marriage, not the other way around.  Good sex has only roughly correlates with good looks.

And congrats to sticking it out and waiting until marriage!  (BTW, has she done the same?)

She knew it was strange that Pete wanted to measure her ring finger for tax purposes, but wasn't sure what to say. 

I'm really scratching my head here, how do you know this woman? And how creepy do you think it would seem to her that you're talking about this? 

This, stop being a creep. You haven't even asked her out yet.

I completely understand.  Before I got married, I asked an 80+ man I knew:  "Your wife, she's about your age, right?  Do you still find her attractive?"  One day, every woman's going to look 80+ (if she's lucky).

He said, "About once a month."  I'm still laughing about that one!

Thing is, as you grow old together, you will (I think) start seeing not so much her saggy endowments or the crow's feet, but her:  the woman you love.  I am not an expert; my wife is still young enough.  But I expect it's true.  I know some men (and women) check out of their marriages after a while, but it's far, far from 100%.

And if you don't come to see her rather than just her youth, well... it doesn't matter if you find a younger wife or not.  Barring accident or terminal illness, she's going to get old too.  Marrying a young thing doesn't get you away from that.

You might think, however, about the childbearing situation.  

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