Likely my greatest flaw currently is my lack of boldness. I wouldn't go so far as "timid" but I'm a quiet, a-extroverted person around new people and situations, and always too careful not to look foolish or make an ass of myself.

How do I get past this? How do I develop into a bolder, more confident man?

Views: 262

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Amen. I'll help with the ass-whooping.

I'll never forget my first moment of manliness. Young, quiet and VERY sheltered kid who's been living on his own (thrown out of house) for a couple years. This young boy worked the cook's line at Cracker Barrel, and was privileged enough to have as primary cooks two strong examples of manhood.

Background: At Cracker Barrel, when an order is ready to go, the ticket is taken off the cook's wheel, and placed on the tray so that the wait staff can run it. Important to the discussion, you'll see.

So, one night, one of the girl's pulls a tray to her, and says "Where's side item X that's supposed to go with this order?" When this shy young boy looks at her and asks her if she sees a ticket on that tray, the entire cooks line stopped, stared, and began applauding...

I couldn't stop grinning all night long. Goofy, I know, but everyone has to start somewhere.
That is an awesome story!
Good question and one I can relate to. I used to be that way myself, I lacked self confidence and I was timid and shy. What worked for me was martial arts. Taking up a sport where I was taught to be agressive, but with control, and where I could build my body physicaly while learning coordination, self disipline and respect literaly changed my life. I take an art that is full contact, being hit all the time teaches me not worry about being hit, and by actualy doing something to another man with my own hands built my confidence. I trained both my body and my mind, now I am the person I want to be, bold and confident. I look better, feel better, and carry myself better.

I was taught that my skills are my "secret" weapon, that I should never let anybody know what I know (or that I know anything at all), and if I had to use it then it was only to incapacitate my opponent and flee the situation. Having a secret weapon that nobody can take away from me gave me the boldness to confront any situaton because I now lack any fear of that situation or person, it's like carrying a concealed gun that is legal in every jurisdiction in every country of the world.
Hi John, sounds good. What martial art did you choose? I'm looking around at the moment but am not sure which discipline to pursue. I know I need to learn a martial art in order to develop more agression. Cheers.
There are many great choices out there for martial arts. Choosing the right one is the trick. What I did was go to every "free trial" offer that local stdios had until I found one that fit my budget and time. I started out with ken-Po which is your basic old school style karate that focuses on full contact offensive/defensive street style fighting. From there I made some contacts and learned from private teachers other skills such as weapons, kung-fu and a few others that will remain with me.

I suggest Akido or ken-po for starters. Those styles cut out the flowery stuff and start teaching you practical skills right away. From day one you will have more confidence. Have at it!
Developing aggression is not the point, David, as that is an entirely different concept. However, Try Krav Maga (BRUTAL Israeli self-defense art) or Mixed Martial arts.
I'm not sure I think avoiding making an ass of yourself is necessarily a bad thing - all new situations are probably best evaluated before jumping in there. We've all been in situations where someone tries too hard and starts something without the proper amount of preparation or consultation.

That said, obviously one could be too reticent, and I think you probably mean that you think you are. I think it just comes with experience. Fundamentally, I think it's about managing and mastering fear of failure or looking stupid. If you try and put yourself into positions where you need to be forward and bold then you get over the fear of making a fool of yourself. I used to be pretty shy, quiet and reluctant to be in a position of leadership and I still am to a degree, but I've got better at it from a combination of being promoted at work (so I had to grow into being a more decisive and bold person) and from doing various voluntary activities in which I had to take responsibility for something, making sure that people were all singing from the same hymn-sheet, and sticking to the plan I worked out.

I'd say try and get into some voluntary work in which you have to work with new people all the time, and maybe co-ordinate or look to be in a position of responsibility. Voluntary work is good because no-one's going to jump down your throat or bawl you out if you make a mistake because everyone's trying their best and has other commitments.

I think Brett recommended toastmasters or something which is probably quite a good thing to get involved with.
Shame is when we think that others opinions of ourselves, are more important than how we think and feel. Take the small steps to move yourself out of your comfort zone. Say hi to a few people everyday, without the expectation of them saying hi in return. Smile more. Walk around the mall and ask random people if they know where a certain store is located. Don't be afraid to make an ass out of yourself. Once I was walking across the street to the bus stop where a crowd of people were already lined up. I tripped and fell on the curb, in front of everyone. I got up and brushed myself off, and said "Gee, I hope nobody saw that." People were already laughing, and laughed even louder when I said that. I got in line and got on the bus and didn't worry about it. It was done, but for me, how I handled it was what I had control over. Not other's reactions or opinions.
Learn the difference between aggression and assertiveness. Being assertive means setting boundaries. Aggression can help you when it comes to people who do not respect your boundaries. Assertive is most usually better than aggression. The best thing you can learn from martial arts is inner strength.
You're right thanks for the distinction. From my position however, I need both in equal measure. At the moment I'm doing officer training in the Aus Army Reserve, and it's been commented by senior officers that aggression is something that I really need to develop.
I don't know anything about Aussie Military but basic training should help you develop some aggression.
I strongly recommend that you look into the New Warrior Training Adventure ( It will help you dig up that stuff that keeps you away from your boldness and it will connect you with a group of men who are supportive of you growing into your authentic, bold self.


Latest Activity

Rod_12c updated their profile
1 hour ago
Nick H replied to Joshua Paul Hood's discussion How can I help a friend?
"I would second the advice of suggesting she find professional help (counselling). If she is struggling with giving up alcohol then that's a big task. Also, protect yourself. When someone tells you that every other person they know is mean to…"
2 hours ago
Pale Horse replied to John Muir's discussion How to avoid a speeding ticket
"One time my great grandfather got pulled over; the cop must have thought he was drunk. The cop then learns that he was reading his Bible. While driving. Got off with a warning. So maybe if you keep a Bible open you can BS your way out of a ticket."
5 hours ago
Dave P replied to John Muir's discussion How to avoid a speeding ticket
"From personal experience, I have learned and told my kids "Don't stand out." Keep up with traffic; slow or speed up when traffic does. Going too slow in fast traffic is just as bad as speeding around and through the crowd. A long…"
5 hours ago
Chip left a comment for Joseph Mcallen
"No problem, Joseph. Hope to chat soon!"
5 hours ago
Craig replied to John Smith's discussion Creating an Online Freelance Business?
"just the $69. It give you a theme for your wordpress installation. So when you go to the divi theme site it shows you a bunch of stuff to build a site. it gives you those tools. it's more complex than weebly. But far far far more powerful. i…"
6 hours ago
Kevin Collier replied to Sen's discussion Most Cost Effective Rifle in the group Riflemen
"J.R. has a very good point about buying used. I am so used to it, I forget that."
7 hours ago
J. R. Thompson replied to Sen's discussion Most Cost Effective Rifle in the group Riflemen
"While there's nothing at all wrong with buying used, I generally wouldn't suggest it to a first time gun buyer, especially someone with little previous firearms experience. Yes, you can buy one in "like new" condition, but at…"
8 hours ago

© 2016   Created by Brett McKay.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service